Feelings
Sometimes I wonder why I cannot be nice and caring like all the other girls.
You know, how hard is it to just fucking pretend that I care for once? And stop being such a sore, mean bitch.
And then I realized that I do care. Sometimes. Maybe. I care a little too much and I say mean things or discard those feelings by convincing myself that i do not care
I don't know if I made sense.
But as I grow older I realized that it really does not pay to be kind.
I'm not saying I want to get rewarded with kindness, that's just sick.
I'm talking about being so nice people actually takes advantage of you.
I was like that. Hard to imagine, but I used to agree to everything my friends say, do things for them unconditionally hoping one day they will like me for me. And appreciate what I had done.
But one fine day, one small slip, and that was all it took. I had no friends. Those people who smiled so warmly at me when they asked me to carry their bags for them, or those girls who let me eat with them in the cafeteria if I helped them buy food.
They just stopped coming to me when I needed them the most. Just one small factor and everything is thrown away. Me included even after everything I had done.
I don't know when exactly I became this bitter. But it started when I was 11. I remember inflicting pain on someone emotionally. I took away all her friends just like how my friends all left me. But i don't feel good at all. Because the friends beside me aren't really my friends. They are more afraid of me then my enemies were. When I graduated primary school. I had no one to call a friend. - well, some friends reconnected with me a few years back but that was all. -
When I reached secondary school, I don't communicate well with my peers. But the people there are more friendly. They changed me. I didn't become who I once was. The naive girl who thinks that everyone will like her as long as she do as she was told. I just became less bitter, and there are people I am willing to do anything for. But these comes with a cost of a 5 year friendship we built. I am never going to forge deeper ties with anyone else the same way again.
Today got me questioning. Do I still care? Feel hurt when I'm left "alone" by my friends? Because, believe me, a lot of people is annoyed by my aloof attitude.
Yea, I guess I do. It hurts. But I learned to care less. The pain doesn't go away. But it doesn't matter. No one cares if you're in pain. No matter how nice a person is how self-sacrificing they think they are. They will always think of their needs first. It pained me to realize this. That people are like this. Theres nothing I could have done to change anything. I won't change back to who I once were. But I'll understand why. Why am I so mean and bitter. Why I wouldn't let things affect me. Why I changed. Because I changed.
And I like the way I am. I feel guilty sometimes when I feel I'm not living up to people's expectations, and then I'll remind myself to care less. To just focus on what is good for myself. Because if I don't care for myself, no one else will. People just disappoint you time and time again. And you're left, hurt. Scared. Feeling so stupid why you ever trusted that person.
P/s I'm not justifying why I am who I am. I just merely want to remind myself why. I am not angry at the people who changed me. I am not looking for people to pity me. I like who I am now. Stronger. Missing out on many things. But so much stronger.
You know, how hard is it to just fucking pretend that I care for once? And stop being such a sore, mean bitch.
And then I realized that I do care. Sometimes. Maybe. I care a little too much and I say mean things or discard those feelings by convincing myself that i do not care
I don't know if I made sense.
But as I grow older I realized that it really does not pay to be kind.
I'm not saying I want to get rewarded with kindness, that's just sick.
I'm talking about being so nice people actually takes advantage of you.
I was like that. Hard to imagine, but I used to agree to everything my friends say, do things for them unconditionally hoping one day they will like me for me. And appreciate what I had done.
But one fine day, one small slip, and that was all it took. I had no friends. Those people who smiled so warmly at me when they asked me to carry their bags for them, or those girls who let me eat with them in the cafeteria if I helped them buy food.
They just stopped coming to me when I needed them the most. Just one small factor and everything is thrown away. Me included even after everything I had done.
I don't know when exactly I became this bitter. But it started when I was 11. I remember inflicting pain on someone emotionally. I took away all her friends just like how my friends all left me. But i don't feel good at all. Because the friends beside me aren't really my friends. They are more afraid of me then my enemies were. When I graduated primary school. I had no one to call a friend. - well, some friends reconnected with me a few years back but that was all. -
When I reached secondary school, I don't communicate well with my peers. But the people there are more friendly. They changed me. I didn't become who I once was. The naive girl who thinks that everyone will like her as long as she do as she was told. I just became less bitter, and there are people I am willing to do anything for. But these comes with a cost of a 5 year friendship we built. I am never going to forge deeper ties with anyone else the same way again.
Today got me questioning. Do I still care? Feel hurt when I'm left "alone" by my friends? Because, believe me, a lot of people is annoyed by my aloof attitude.
Yea, I guess I do. It hurts. But I learned to care less. The pain doesn't go away. But it doesn't matter. No one cares if you're in pain. No matter how nice a person is how self-sacrificing they think they are. They will always think of their needs first. It pained me to realize this. That people are like this. Theres nothing I could have done to change anything. I won't change back to who I once were. But I'll understand why. Why am I so mean and bitter. Why I wouldn't let things affect me. Why I changed. Because I changed.
And I like the way I am. I feel guilty sometimes when I feel I'm not living up to people's expectations, and then I'll remind myself to care less. To just focus on what is good for myself. Because if I don't care for myself, no one else will. People just disappoint you time and time again. And you're left, hurt. Scared. Feeling so stupid why you ever trusted that person.
P/s I'm not justifying why I am who I am. I just merely want to remind myself why. I am not angry at the people who changed me. I am not looking for people to pity me. I like who I am now. Stronger. Missing out on many things. But so much stronger.