I always knew what I wanted as a kid.

I wouldn't say I know exactly what I want, but I always had a strong sense of self and even hearing opinions from other people, I sometimes, just know, exactly what I want to do with my life or what I want to do from here on out.

I once read a quote saying " Never regret what you had done, because at that point in your life, it was exactly what you wanted"

I have a few quotes which I live by in my life and I try to live by these principles the best that I can.

I recently went back to study Early Childhood Care and Education. 

Since young.. (probably when I was 6 or 7?) I knew I wanted to be a teacher. What teacher specifically, I do not know. However, when I was in kindergarten, I had horrible experiences with teachers.

I remember being teased by my classmates for having big nostrils and when I cried, my teacher said - in front of the whole class- that it was because I had a big and ugly nose! Imagine telling that to a 6 year old and even worse, in front of the whole class! I never felt so humiliated! (ok, I couldnt remember what I felt exactly, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling anyways,) 

I also remembered another teacher who thrives on tormenting us, I remember my friends and I wouldn't dare mutter a word in front of this teacher and when my  younger brother was brought into my class as he had diarrhea and my parents were coming to fetch the both of us together, the teacher goaded me into looking at my brother and then yelled at me for not paying attention in class. I remember all the pity looks my classmates shot at me.

As I mentioned before, I had always been a person who has a clear shot of what she want. - albeit if it is a wrong thing to do- I'll still do it because I am always an action first, think later kind of girl.

This caused my name to be very famous among the teachers. The troublemaker. Especially when my older sister is known to be very quiet and good in nature. I am very boisterous and loud.

I don't know what exactly I did, but I do know that teachers who got me in their classes disliked me immediately even if I did not do anything wrong. (I'm not trying to justify that I did nothing wrong, but really, how bad can an 8 year old be?)

I remember I hated science and maths, and I would not sit still or listen in class, so my teacher made me sit beside this quiet girl. I started to pay attention in class (finally!) when I realised that the girl beside me was on the wrong page. I told her that she was on the wrong page and said " Doesn't mean you don't make noise means you are paying attention in class, right? " . She laughed and I did too.

The teacher - seriously they are SOOO obsessed with me- immediately shouted " PANG SHI QI! I PUT YOU THERE YOU STILL CAN TALK??? GO OUT AND STAND!"

I really rather stand outside than hear her yapping so I just left the classroom with a newfound disdain for teachers.

Even when playing with friends, teachers who never taught me would still single me out from my friends and punish me, any little wrong things, as long as I was around the site of "accident" , I am definitely the one to be blamed.

Until I met Mr Zaid, Mr Foo and Ms Ho when I was in Primary Six. They are young teachers in training, and their approach to me was very different from the others. They talk to me, they ask me questions like, why did I smash the water bottle down the girl's back? (In my 12 year old mind, the girl deserved it because I heard her trash talking about me). Anyway, they obviously told me I can't hit someone if they said bad things about me etc. I became really good friends with Mr Zaid, Mr Foo and Ms Ho. Mr Zaid even wanted to make me a prefect - to my horror!-

Now, you may think, what about my parents?  Do they just let me do whatever I want to do? You're wrong. My parents always cane me whenever we come back from the principal's office. Once, after giving me a huge beating, my mother broke down and cried. I guess, going down to the principal's office three times a week can really break a person. I felt immense guilt for making my mother feel that way, but I never know why teachers "pick on me" all the time, when I am just doing what I think was right.  I never hit someone or do bad things on purpose for hurting someone. In my mind, I was defending myself or just having fun with my friends. 

I never hated my parents, every caning I get, I hate teachers even more, and in turn, I do worse things. (I once threw a pair of scissors at my teacher).

As I grow older, looking back, I really still hated these teachers. I was just a little kid. Is there a need for them to do what they did? They are TEACHERS. Aren't they supposed to have more love? More compassion for a child?

I remember pretending to be a teacher and helping my brother with his spelling and conduct lessons with my dolls. Looking at these so called "teachers" around me, I stopped wanting to be a teacher and I put this dream of mine on hold.

When I was in secondary school, my mistrust of teachers still followed me and I never trusted or liked teachers.

 I was in Secondary One, when my teacher just pinned the blame on me without listening to any of my explanations.

I remember, I was drumming the table, and the boys behind me banging the table, when one girl turned, and saw me doing it. When another teacher complained about me for something I did do wrong about, my form teacher, the supposedly, very loving, caring and experienced, Mrs Seow (or was it Mrs Siow?) .

I tried to explain that I drummed the table lightly. but Mrs Seow's argument was " Did you or did you not knock on the table?" ... Ok lor, since she just want to find someone to blame then what else can I say? I was reminded of all the teachers I had when I was in primary school. They don't want the truth, they just want someone they can blame and in turn protect their rice bowl.

And the supposedly LOVING, CARING TEACHERS decided to blame it on a child.
How sad is that?

You can argue that I was a troublemaker. I am not going to deny it. But I AM A CHILD FOR GOODNESS SAKE! ALSO, YOU ARE NOT JUST AN ADULT, YOU ARE A TEACHER. 

I had great teachers as I got older, Mr Seow, Ms Eng, Mr Marcus Chan, Mr YT Foo, Mr Tan PH  are the few who are great teachers. I wouldn't say I really liked any of them particularly because my trust for any teachers were zero. Even good teachers, I just don't want to trust that they have my interest at heart. I just don't believe in it anymore.

I also want to apologize to my secondary school teachers. They really did nothing wrong, I just have hatred for teachers because of my experience in Kindergarten and Primary School.  I really had nothing against my other teachers except for the hatred of teachers in my heart.

It wasn't easy when I also realised that I don't have a great first impression on others-  My first impression is not good at all.

I had a teacher in ITE who once used to pick on me very often and when we became cool with each other he asked me if I knew I had a bad first impression on others. I thought about it and agreed with him. But I also said : "If you decide to dislike me based on my first impression and don't want me in any part of your life, then, aren't you the one denying yourself to know the person? "

He also agreed with me. So I guess we didn't get anywhere with that topic.

I enrolled into Early Childhood Education in Bishan ITE because I decided if I have such a twisted mindset about teacher because of the teachers in Kindergarten then, shouldn't I continue in that direction and make a better place for these children? I had a cousin during this time when I was about 17 and I realised that I am really good with kids.

One example was when my cousin (3 years old?) threw the pillow to the floor, I calmly told him to put it back and a pillow was for grandma's back on the sofa, not for him to throw on the floor. He screamed and shouted and cried and yelled and threw more pillows off the sofa. I was really calm and I just kept calmly telling him to put it back nicely. After about 3 hours of his yelling and my calm talking, he decided to put the pillow back on the sofa nicely and he never throw it off the sofa ever again.

I wondered if I, a troublemaker, noisy, boisterous, 17 year old can handle a screaming , crying , yelling three year old for 3 hours, what the hell was wrong with my teachers??  

I had the same drama when I was in Bishan ITE, whatever I said, my teachers interpret in the wrong way. I remember the teacher specifically asking if we can or cannot use physical punishments on our child. I think I strongly voiced out that we can. Afterall, I was "brutally abused" by my parents and I turn out fine. I wasn't a murderer, psychopath or have self esteem issues.

The teacher - after a heated discussion with the class- glared at me and said coldly " We never ever lay a hand on the children in our class' 

UHM? I thought the topic was if we would use physical punishments on our OWN child???  (confused 18 year old mind lol. )

Anyway, the teacher and a few other Childhood Education teachers probably gossiped about me. I don't mind teachers discussing their students, but then all of them suddenly had something against me.

I was reminded again, how disgusting Early Childhood Educators were.  They claimed they love kids, but they cannot accept a views of an 18 year old teenager. How Ironic. I didn't want to learn from teachers like these and decided to withdraw from my course.

Who knew, at 26 , I'd come full circle and want to become a Childcare Educator myself...?

I guess, I cannot change the mindset of these teachers who in some way or other , for reason I cannot fathom decided to hold a grudge against a child. But I decide that I don't want to be like them and I really want to believe there are good teachers who genuinely care for the children.

To all my previous teachers, I'm sorry, it was never personal. 

To my future teachers, let's truly love and care for our kids.